For most of us, our personal growth journey began because of unhappiness, dissatisfaction or pain.
In my late twenties, I was this vulnerable sensitive human being who couldn’t seem to find contentment or self-love for the longest time despite looking like she had everything. Till now, I still observe many of these playing out in my life.
I sensed a deep need to do more and be more, but yet fall prey to fear and procrastination.
I have friends and loved ones but yet felt deeply alone.
I laugh while holding a deep sadness.
I look confident while sensing a deep anxiety of being found out as a fraud.
In the midst of shame, there is also an intense fear of shame.
I feel, observe and reflect deeply, yet slap myself on the head for thinking too much.
If any of the above resonates with you, I am extending a very warm virtual hug.
The biggest most loving hug I can offer.
Most times, we can’t even begin to imagine hugging ourselves, because that is hardly the first deserving person that comes to mind.
Sometimes we need to own the fact that the person hurting us the most is ourselves.
Maybe it began with someone or some situation hurting us. But many times, even when the person or situation is long gone, we continue to take on the job of hurting ourselves because we have made ourselves believe…
That these thoughts will keep us safe.
I should be doing more.
I am not determined enough.
I am too lazy.
I think too much.
It is all my fault.
I am not good enough.
I am the only one who cares but I am so tired.
The worrier
The problem fixer
The approval seeker
The intellectual ruminator
The addicted giver
The Parent (*happy people that becomes the above after having kids)
Sometimes, we have these tendencies for as long as we remembered; perhaps due to genetic predispositions or early childhood events. Sometimes, it might be triggered because of major life changes that violate our existing values or identity. A move, a new baby, a wrong career move, a broken relationship, a death, an existential awakening, a pandemic?
While having these thoughts, you might at the same time sense an endless restlessness, a burning quest for something more. To be better.
‘I will be so much more without this pain…
Can I not have this pain anymore?’
I embarked on this journey holding these intentions closely to my heart. How do I being to learn to be flawed at ease. Wrong at ease. Love at ease. Live at ease. Be at ease.
One of the first thing I learnt was that I held a lot of resistance in embracing the human being that I am right now in this moment. And it was years later that I realise that not wanting my pain forms a huge part of the same resistance. I am rejecting something that is already here, which is as good as rejecting my being. So as strange as it sounds –
I needed to learn to allow my pain to be as it is.
I have spent weeks, months, years and till today, I continue on practicing loosening this resistance; practicing not wanting. For me, the resistance does manifest as an obvious tightness in the body. With each breath out, I learn to soften. But most times, it tightens right up before I know it. With consistent and intentional reminders on practicing this loosening, I sense a little bit more ease and possibilities, and some shift in my thoughts.
‘In the midst of my pain, I can sense joy and gratitude co-existing with it.’
‘This is not so bad, I can sit with it.’
The journey continues.
Reflection: Is there an emotional suffering, an anxiety, a fear that you want out of your life? How do you think it would feel to sit with it as it is, even for a few seconds, and allow your full being to rest right in this moment. Comment below if you wish.
