Photo by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash
Threshold
/ˈθrɛʃəʊld,ˈθrɛʃˌhəʊld/ noun
“the magnitude or intensity that must be exceeded for a certain reaction, phenomenon, result, or condition to occur or be manifested.”
With each New Year.. wishes, hopes, and possibilities await
What’s hidden are the tensions and the pain of the unfulfilled
The waiting, the regrets, the what-ifs
Masked beneath the well-wishes, the smiles, the cheers, the toasts
At almost 40 years old, some of these tensions are growing old
Like an old friend that visits once a year
Are you fulfilled? Why haven’t you? What more do you want?
And Alice tumbles down the rabbit hole again
In the midst of the celebrated, the thankful, the proud
What still lingers beneath are the lost dreams
The thresholds that we are unable to cross year after year
The ones that won’t go away
Sometimes you thought you have surrendered
The mind assured you it was ok; you don’t need them anymore
Then they creep up on you like the stalker you don’t see
Stabs a knife through your heart; that same spot again and again
What thresholds elude you?
A brand new experience for expression? for love? for freedom? for meaning?
Is it even possible?
Can it be?
Desperately trying to remember the thresholds I’ve crossed in my life
Difficult as hell but crossed and lived
How did I turn around to stalk the stalker instead?
Cradled the disappointment and allowed the pain to show me the way
But it’s not just any way.
It has to be a new way
The walking away, denial, distractions, and the blaming didn’t work
Is there another way?
Is there a step that hasn’t been taken before?
Not just another reflection
Not just another resolution
Not just another plan
I want to get close to my threshold
I want to know it inside out
No walking away, no acting out
Telling myself to breathe as the throat clamps up
Breathing in
Breathing out
Repeatedly
Repeatedly
As I lay quietly in bed on the last day of the year
Tears rolled gently down my cheeks
Hands touching my soft warm bed
There is no step to take
I will go to sleep
I might awaken in anxiety, as usual, or I might not
The world might be a better place or it might not
The thresholds still await
Yes, I was fighting it a little
But I also got closer
Tug, tussle, cuddle, altogether
Hopefully more loving and accepting of each other
Less aversion… Less attachment
Fearful and hopeful all at once
Learning to wear this cloak of humanness with more grace
Even though each one is more difficult than the last
Thresholds — my word for the New Year
What would be yours? Be it words or thresholds
What stabs you in the heart to reveal what is true
What both hurts and gives hope and is dying to be told?
