The nature of my husband’s job is that he travels a lot. In the early days as a young mother, I was busy (mostly subconsciously) sabotaging my life and creating more challenges than necessary to make him worried or guilty. Until one day I came to a realisation I do not need my husband to be there to feel happy, or the fact that I don’t need anybody to be there to feel happy. It was a huge relief for me and the hubby. Frustrations and anger are lessened dramatically, and he does not need to suffer so much guilt for needing to be away for work. Along came the thought – ‘Does it mean you love him lesser when you can live without him?’ I found my answer when I saw this quote –
“The opposite of grasping is intimacy. “ – Lama Willa Miller
Loosening or Letting Go
The harder we cling in a relationship, the stronger the expectations we have in exchange for all that energy spent clinging; the less energy and space we have to observe what really is going on. If you want to untie a tricky knot, tugging unconsciously might exhaust and frustrate yourself, and result in a tighter knot. Instead, we can soften our fingers, we can look closely, we can gently feel around the knot to get close, get a real sense how the knot is, we can get gentle and intimate.
When we cling or grasp, or control in a relationship, we are wanting our loved ones to be a certain way. It speaks of a non-acceptance of who they are in this moment; an annoyance, even a resentment, a grudge, a rejection. When it is not safe to be who they are, connection will suffer.
Embodying and understanding these 2 elements, I am able to enjoy the present and the presence more, and I can pay better attention without biased judgements. When you have true love, appreciation and gratitude for a person, you learn to release him from your neediness and his own guilt. The same goes for your children, your parents, your best friend etc. Heard of this phrase “Love them and you let them go”? But at the end of the day, I find that it’s very much about learning to love me. The same acceptance and non-judgement for myself and allowing those loving vibrations to expand beyond me.