Those times when the main sensation is tiredness and nothing seems to be about you. Yet you somehow wish it could be.
There are two categories of thoughts that contribute to my ‘guilt’ as a parent.
First one is from the space of not being enough.
‘I should be better’.. ‘I should be doing more’.. ‘I haven’t done enough’
Second one is more ego centric.
‘I don’t want to be tied down’.. ‘I hate this responsibility’.. ‘I want to have more freedom.’
To me, these are directly linked to each other. Because the thoughts from the second category provoke shame and therefore rather quickly cause the mind to shift to the first category.
Whatever thoughts you might have as a parent, here is my shared permission to myself and to you.
It is normal and it is ok.
Thoughts of resentment are not a reflection of your love or character or goodness as a person, or a parent.
These thoughts might be reflecting the difficulties of the changes in your life. It might be telling you about your attachment to the old times, the control, the freedom, the certainty, the nicer body. It might be reflecting your undying desire for better things, for growth, for balance.
It is normal, valid and it is a rite of passage. As far as I have heard, it is universal.
It is human.
All inner conflicts can be a call for new perspectives.
We could answer the call by attending to the pain beneath the thoughts. We could answer the call by taking actions of growth. Even those times when we answer by watching Netflix or eating ice-cream to move forward is ok.
We can forgive the self, moment to moment. We can take joy moment to moment. We practice patience and kindness to the self. No quick fixes, but with a lot of patience and breathing.
One step at a time.
And you know what? Our children have the exact same needs. They need the acceptance, patience, and trust from you; that their mistakes and misguided thoughts are not a reflection of their innate goodness and character. Our capacity to be kind to our imperfections is our capacity to hold the imperfections of our loved ones. We can’t give what we don’t know how to give ourselves. Learning to gift and love yourself is not selfish.
It’s necessary.
