One night, I was doing a loving kindness meditation for myself and my ‘loving’ phrase to me was ‘May I deeply know and feel the significance of my existence.’ My girl not knowing that I was meditating, jumped on me from the back and said in the sweetest voice ‘Goodnight!’
She realised quickly I was meditating and muttered ‘sorry’ in such a guilty tone that I actually felt sorry for her. It was also in that moment that struck me right in my heart how significant my existence is in her life, that she loves and respects me so thoroughly without a doubt. I thought, ‘Wow, universe answers my request pretty quickly.’
It dawned on me in that moment I might had been dismissive of what I already have. My righteous inner voice jumped on me immediately, ‘There you go searching for things that are right there, never satisfied, never enough.’ All these years of thought watching paid off here. ‘I appreciate those words lady, but nope, no guilt pangs happening.’
A couple of days before, I did fell into a pool of lack, this deep sense of worthlessness that felt like the entire centre of my being was caving in. Those moments in life when you wallowed in complete sadness like you have not done or own anything significant in life. I guess those emotions guided my words in the loving kindness meditation. It was also in that moment of being interrupted in my meditation, that I know whatever I felt or thought was not true.
The positivity movement meant that many times we might fall into the subtle aggression of self-help. Falling into the I should(s).
I should be grateful.
I should not be feeling this lack.
I should not feel so good, so many others are suffering.
We turn away from both abundance and lack.
Consider the possibility that the two are different sides of the same coin.
Maybe abundance can only be felt in its full glory after feeling our deep pain in lack. When you disallow yourself to feel these states, you disallow the full profound experience of compassion and empathy for the self and others. Maybe the gap between lack and abundance is the fertile ground for deep gratitude. A powerful emotion for our life, work and relationships; not just about contentment or peace.
I woke up next day feelings a profound appreciation for my family. I know in my body that this appreciation is only profound because I have allowed myself to feel my sadness in extreme lack. We can harness the powers and versatility of both our negative and positive emotional states when we allow ourselves to know them and feel them in the moment as they arise.
With that, the practice continues.
Watching the thoughts.
Surfing the waves of emotions.
Breathe.
